THE GOSSIP

I live for steamy gossip

About my dearest friends.

Who is screwing whom?

Who’s ill, who AA attends!

Who owes a bundle,

Can’t even pay the rent?

Who’s behind in taxes?

How did Joe’s car get the dent?

Whose kids are delinquents,

Always high on dope?

Whose parents are demented,

Can no longer cope?

I thrive on misfortune

(As long as it’s not mine!).

Minding others’ business

Is my idea of a good time!

So keep the gossip flowing.

Listening is my trade.

Keep me up to date

On each juicy escapade!

BIG FAT WALMART MAMA!

She’s big, fat and beautiful.

She shops at Walmart every day.

Luxuries, necessities,

Things for work and play.

The sales stir her soul.

She surfs the shelves with glee.

She buys stuff by the truckload.

Well, gosh, it’s almost free!

Of all the items treasured,

Groceries are number one.

She heads first for the sweets 

And loads close to a ton.

When at last she’s through,

And spent her last thin dime,

She rushes home to eat.

It’s way past snacky time!

She eats ten Oh Henry bars,

A bag of potato chips,

An apple pie à la mode,

And a quart of Coke she sips.

Now the crucial moment;

Her reputation is at stake.

She steps onto the scale.

A new record she can break.

She’s gained another Kilo!

She’s Walmart’s shopping dream!

She’s their Big Fat Moma,

Their consumption queen!

HAIRCUT

My hair is unmanageable,

It sticks out every way.

I used to part it on the side, 

Though it would never stay.

 

I tried to look cool and neat.

Just so I always dressed,

But my hair betrayed me,

No matter my suit was pressed!

I strove to look debonaire;

I wore a fedora when in style.

But when I took it off,

I resembled something vile!

A wild and crazy lout,

Who evoked fearful screams.

What could I do

To be the man of my dreams?

The solution was so simple;

A triumph of common sense.

Shave it to the scalp!

With hair I could dispense!

Now I’m coolest of the cool.

A Don Juan with shiny pate,

So long as I remember

To shave ere every date!