BIG FAT WALMART MAMA!  

She’s big, fat and beautiful.

She shops at Walmart every day.

Luxuries, necessities,

Things for work and play.

The sales stir her soul.

She surfs the shelves with glee.

She buys stuff by the truckload.

Well, gosh, it’s almost free!

Of all the items treasured,

Groceries are number one.

She heads first for the sweets 

And loads close to a ton.

When at last she’s through,

And spent her last thin dime,

She rushes home to eat.

It’s way past snacky time!

She eats ten Oh Henry bars,

A bag of potato chips,

An apple pie à la mode,

And a quart of Coke she sips.

Now the crucial moment;

Her reputation is at stake.

She steps onto the scale.

A new record she can break.

She’s gained another Kilo!

She’s Walmart’s shopping dream!

She’s their Big Fat Moma,

Their consumption queen!

QUESTIONS FOR THE CLERGY

God made the universe,

Why? Bugger all to do?

What was here before?

God was missing too!

Who rates an eternity

Of joy in Heaven above?

No one’s been that good,

To deserve boundless love.

Even Jesus wasn’t perfect;

Crucifixion was a scam.

He rose then joined his Dad,

The sacrifice a sham.

Next consider Hell,

Where Satan rules the roost.

Is Hitler sizzling on the fire?

Did evil cook his goose?

Will I, a petty miscreant,

Join Adolf in the flame?

He burnt six million Jews;

I said ‘fuck!’. What shame!

This seems an injustice.

Is God a hanging judge?

Do all sins rate the same?

He must bear a mighty grudge!

What about those folk

For whom Christ is but a word,

Say, in deepest Africa,

Where scripture’s never heard?

If ignorance is a sin,

And faith is okay,

I fear few reach port,

If religion shows the way.

HUMANS

We do not belong here!

We come from another world!

We clash with the scenery;

We’ve the flag of hate unfurled.

We resemble earthly beings;

We eat, fuck, and sleep.

In other ways we’re different;

We’re not unerring sheep!

We have a searching mind.

We may believe in God,

Satan, Heaven, Hell,

In Jesus pure, unflawed.

Yet we’re vile monsters;

We trail destruction and despair.

Now the Earth’s near ruin,

We’ll depart its fouled air ...

In search of other planets

To reduce to lifeless shells.

Where could we belong?

Perhaps where Satan dwells?

BIG FAT WALMART MAMA!  

She’s big, fat and beautiful.

She shops at Walmart every day.

Luxuries, necessities,

Things for work and play.

The sales stir her soul.

She surfs the shelves with glee.

She buys stuff by the truckload.

Well, gosh, it’s almost free!

Of all the items treasured,

Groceries are number one.

She heads first for the sweets 

And loads close to a ton.

When at last she’s through,

And spent her last thin dime,

She rushes home to eat.

It’s way past snacky time!

She eats ten Oh Henry bars,

A bag of potato chips,

An apple pie à la mode,

And a quart of Coke she sips.

Now the crucial moment;

Her reputation is at stake.

She steps onto the scale.

A new record she can break.

She’s gained another Kilo!

She’s Walmart’s shopping dream!

She’s their Big Fat Moma,

Their consumption queen!

OLD COUPLE

He’s bent and he shuffles;

She unsteady by his side.

He’s angry and impatient;

His moods she can’t abide.

There’re gaps in his memory;

He’s forgot events long past.

She can’t remember yesterday;

Her memory barely lasts.

He wears red suspenders;

To hold his drooping sweats.

She was a pre-school teacher;

He a ‘suit’ who chased success.

Their evenings quietly spent

Watching nonsense on TV,

Then early off to bed,

And wide awake at three!

Who is this aging couple,

Once so vital, so in love?

They’re you and I, dear,

Stroked by time’s velvet glove.  

FUNNY BONE

I look for funny things

To versify about.

I wish to entertain,

Not depress or venom spout.

But it’s getting harder.

Where for humour can I search?

All the news is bad;

No exception is the church.

The boys in funny hats

Allow priests to have their way

With little boys and girls,

Then kneel and pray.

There’s business malfeasance,

Fraud and bribery,

Politicians’ speeches,

And their sheer dishonesty.

International relations,

Drugs, affairs of state,

Rumors and gossip,

Scandals gay and straight.

I don’t find them amusing.

I’ve lost my funny bone.

I can’t write what I don’t feel,

And that bone ain’t ho-ho-ho-en!